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about 1000 days of daring greatly

"1000 days of Daring Greatly" is a personal project by Yummii

The project is based on the book; "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown

For 1000 days, Yummii has set out to take action and be in the arena of her life. She is to discover the realm of Daring Greatly.

Her journey is about discovering courage, vulnerability, and ultimately, mastering the art of living wholeheartedly - and being wholehearted.

Tuesday
Oct172017

Day 303: Daring to let go

"I wish I had more time" is the undercurrent that is within my being.

The energy of feeling as though there is never enough time means that I am taking myself out of the present moment. Instead of surrendering and giving myself fully to engage in the moment, I'm thinking about the next think, about what else needs to be done, and where I am falling short.

Compassion is missing. As is kindness. 

My ego is wanting more, it is expecting more to be achieved, more to be accomplished, more to be done.

My heart, my heart says - be still. Go inwards. Shed the weight. Surrender the hunger. Surrender the need. Surrender what it is that I think I need to feel whole - for I am whole.

In my daily journal, there was a weekly challenge; "Write a list titled 'My Word'. Now write doan all the commitments you made. How will you honour them?".

Today, I committed to letting go of worry. To choose faith. To trust the process. Give up the right to exert or spend any energy on worrying about the outcome or circumstances that are out of my control.

The energy of worry has been a default wiring in which I will allow myself to submit. Bringing awareness to the energy field replaces it with lightness. I can observe it, be curious about it, and choose to let it go.

The experience of worry takes us away from realising our wholeness. 

Daring to give my word to letting go of worry. 

Monday
Sep042017

Day 302: Daring to believe in magnificence

"Everyone is unhappy"; shared a friend.

We each have a unique lens in which we see the world. 

In a conversation with a friend, I asked her whether she believes she is worthy of living an amazing life?. To which she answered "No...". She shared that her husband believes that it is normal for "Everyone to be unhappy" and that "Everyone is unhappy". 

To view Life as our best friend takes courage. As we journey through Life, there will be set-backs as well as magic. There will be challenges that test us and we will feel defeated; and there will be challenges that test us; and we are more expanded and nourished on the other side.

Where we direct our energy and focus determines the lens in which we see life.

It takes courage to believe in living with magnificence when reality has manifested otherwise. 

It takes courage to allow ourselves to be open to receiving the lessons and circumstances that contribute to magnificence.

It takes courage to believe in living a life of magnificence. 

... And I am reminded it is all a choice.

To believe that we are unworthy of living brilliantly and overflowing with happiness is a choice.

To believe that we are worthy of living brilliantly and overflowing with happiness is also a choice.

Daring to believe in magnificence requires us to look inward and embrace the magnificence that lives within us. You can only acknowledge that which you believe you are.

Sunday
Jun112017

Day 301: Daring to cultivate happiness

There's happiness, and there's happiness.

Happiness hasn't been something that I have craved or sought after - I regard myself as positive and optimistic.. and fairly happy. I have been interested in developing a mindset of growth, resilience, and empathy. I would invest energy in wonderment, fulfillment, and love. Happiness was never the focal point or aim - it was never the driver. It was a back-seat passenger that I assumed would come along for the ride. 

I started asking myself, what does true happiness look like? What would it look like to "cultivate" happiness?

If I took away my marriage; our family; the label of being a mother to Avery; the things that bring me joy - meditation, yoga, reading, walking through nature, travelling; if I'm stripped bare of the "identity" in which I have created as a human being; could I find happiness within? 

Will my spirit be filled with peace if the bonds between the external environment and my soul no longer existed?

If I was broke, homeless, with no family - could I look at another who had everything that I once had and be filled with love, joy, and be happy for them?

True happiness, is indestructible. This energy force within ourselves dissolves, judgement, resentment, and contempt. 

It is an energy that permeates the air with warmth, delight, and the experience of "home".

I have glimpses of this experience - and I can't say that I can call on it reliably. 

The journey of happiness to date has been mostly fuelled by external circumstances, thoughts, and acquisitions. To call happiness a journey - as though I'm seeking something to be acquired and that which I am seeking means it is not here right now, is also a false sense of happiness. 

This journey of understanding wholeness has lead me to the field of cultivating happiness. Something that I have taken for granted.

I'm learning that true happiness, is unbounded to the narrative we have created for ourselves. 

As I'm reading "Happiness Now"; my perception of happiness transforms. What was a secondary emotion that I took for granted is now a field of energy that is a barometer of wholeness.

Daring to be happy. Daring to cultivate happiness. Daring to be happy, within.

Tuesday
Jun062017

Day 300: Daring to seek the questions

We are conditioned to be obsessed with answers, to know ourselves, to know others, to have specifics, to be defined, to reject uncertainty.

Could it be possible that the way that life unfolds, is our version of an answer to the questions we have in our sub-conscious? 

Am I worthy? Am I enough? Am I loveable? Am I deserving? 

What if we diverted the energy from being addicted to the answers to being curious about the questions? How would our life unfold if we were to seek the questions that are aligned with what it takes to live a wholehearted life?

What is it that I want to experience? What am I curious about? What is possible for my life? Who am I becoming with my current mindset and who is it that I want to become? What would it be like to parent from the heart? What kind of partner do I want to be? What does love look like? What would love say?

When we are willing to let go of what we know and enter the realm of the unknown, with an open heart and an open mind - we actively alter the trajectory of our life.

We do this, to feel alive. We do this, to experience possibility. We do this to enjoy and discover the playground of life. 

What questions do I want to answer? What questions would inspire a well-lived and thoughtful life? What questions would a wholehearted human being ask of themselves and their life?

Daring greatly is daring to seek the questions that match a well-lived, well-loved, and expansive life. 

Friday
Jun022017

Day 299: Daring to be brave, be kind, and fail

What did you do that was brave today? What did you do that was kind? Where did you fail?

I read an interview where these three questions were asked by each family member around the dinner table.

Everyday, do something brave. Everyday, be kind. Everyday, fail.

The expansion of yourself is through gradual and consistent effort. It is in choosing your focus, choosing your mastery, and choosing where to direct your thoughts.

Being brave, being kind, and failing are muscles worth exercising. 

Tuesday
May302017

Day 298: Daring to be at ease with the "how"

What would it be like, to be at ease with the "how"?

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I started noticing when my mind is heavily focused on the "how", the excitement of a vision shrinks.

In realising any big vision, the "why", "what" and "how" are to be balanced - just like the ingredients of any delicate and delicious dish. Each has a critical role in allowing a vision to be realised.

My analytical mind can get obsessed with the "how"; craving for all the details as a way for assurance, security, and certainty.

I believe we are to be led with our "why"; and when we turn the "how" to be our leader, we can get distracted and be led to falsely believe that our "why" isn't possible. 

Daring greatly is to believe in our "why" - and be willing to trust our "why". It is having the faith that the "how" will figure itself out. It is "taking that first step, even though you can't see the whole stair case" (Martin Luther King). 

Monday
May222017

Day 297: Daring to love life

Daring to love life.. and have life love me back.

What does it take to trust life? To trust that life has our back and life loves us. That life is our best friend and that every moment, second, minute, hour has been perfectly executed and realised especially for our soul.

To see perfection in all of life is the access to surrender. Surrendering the need to control.

In a conversation with a close friend today, we shared about the visions we have for our life. 

My friend said; "I'm scared to create a vision - What if it doesn't come true and then I'll have to deal with disappointment..."

It got me thinking. To experience wholeness within oneself is to trust - trust that everything is on your side. That life is working with you and for you; not against you. That each and every moment is a gift - yes even the moments that are testing, trying, and challenging; these are the most priceless gifts for you are presented with an opportunity to dig deep and look within. 

To truly engage with life, our hearts are to be whole. A whole heart is ready to meet disappointment, sorrow, upset, anger, resentment... as it knows these states are temporary and fleeting - and that only love is real.

This conversation got me thinking about the courage it takes to love life. 

When you love life, you're willing to swing all out. You know that there is nothing to lose, and everything to gain. In the moments that you are facing adversity, you know you have everything within you to be with the adversity.

To love life is to know that there is no lack. No lack within ourselves or lack within any moment.

It is accepting that we are whole.

To recognise and activate the wholeness that is within us is to have the courage to make choices that are harmonious with our true self.

What is our true self? The self that only knows love.

Monday
May152017

Day 296: Daring to navigate failure

What does failure feel like?

What is the voice of failure saying to you?

If you can understand every nook, cranny, and corner of the obstacles that stand between you and what you desire, you are in a much better position to tackle it.

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When the experience of failure kicks in, I feel stupid.

I feel flawed. I feel doubtful. I feel defeated. I feel lonely. I feel lost. I kick myself. I judge myself. I am ashamed. I am resigned. I am embarrassed. I am scared. I obsess about the failure. I feel lack. I find it hard to breathe. I feel suffocated. I feel weak.

My body feels contracted. My shoulders slump. I crouch inwards. My jaw is locked. 

My heart beats faster. My heart feels heavy.

In choosing to live wholeheartedly - we choose to be led by the heart. We choose to be led by love.

We assume that when we choose to live from the heart, the outcome matches the beautiful vision of nirvana that we have created in our mind. 

To live from the heart is to be independent of results, outcome, attachments, and expectations. 

The experience of failure is only triggered when we impose an expectation or we are attached to an outcome.

Our human minds then seek something to blame. We want something to be responsible for our hurt, pain, and discomfort. 

We place blame on our heart.

However, it is the mind of the ego and it's story about failure that creates the inner turmoil.

In taking time out to explore failure, we give ourselves the opportunity to shift our mindset. We equip ourselves with understanding our triggers, and being aware of the sensations that arise - and then in the next moment, we can choose to expand rather than habitually and reactively contract. 

The opportunity of the experience of failure; is the expansion of our heart.

To live wholeheartedly is to trust our heart - irrespective and independant of expectations, attachments, and outcomes.

If one chooses to live wholeheartedly and with courage, the experience of failure has no power over you.

Saturday
May062017

Day 295: Daring to change the way I see things

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." - Dr Wayne Dyer

The above quote from Dr Wayne Dyer reminds me that there is no absolute reality - and that we have the power to change our perceptions so that it can empower us.

At times, this can be challenging. It is much more comfortable to hold onto an existing thought than be willing to get interested in another point of view. To let go of what we hold as "the truth" is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. 

However, the better we practice empathy, the more curious we get on taking on another's reality, the more wholehearted our relationships will be. 

According to the Dictionary of Obsure Sorrows; "Sonder" captures this experience of reality, thoughts, and perceptions beautifully. 

Sonder;-
You are the main character—the protagonist—the star at the center of your own unfolding story. You're surrounded by your supporting cast: friends and family hanging in your immediate orbit. Scattered a little further out, a network of acquaintances who drift in and out of contact over the years.
But there in the background, faint and out of focus, are the extras.The random passersby. Each living a life as vivid and complex as your own. 
They carry on invisibly around you, bearing the accumulated weight of their own ambitions, friends, routines, mistakes, worries, triumphs and inherited craziness.
When your life moves on to the next scene, theirs flickers in place, wrapped in a cloud of backstory and inside jokes and characters strung together with countless other stories you'll never be able to see. That you'll never know exists. 
In which you might appear only once. As an extra sipping coffee in the background. As a blur of traffic passing on the highway. As a lighted window at dusk."

We are the protagonist of our own story and at the same time, we are the supporting characters and extra's in another.

This context reminds us that everyone's reality is validated... and that they are doing the best with what they know. That we are doing the best with what we know.

In living wholeheartedly; we are mindful and gracious to everyone's journey. 

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In a conversation with a close friend, I shared about a challenging relationship that I was facing. The ego in me was probably looking for agreement and support to build on my case; and I'm sure I wanted to be "right". 

My heart knew that there is more to the story - my mind, well it wanted to be safe, to be right, and to disconnect. 

My wise friend asked me the questions that mattered; the questions that got me thinking from the other's perspective; the questions that forced me to dig deep and do my best to be in the other person's position.

It was uncomfortable - Uncomfortable because I had to let go of the attachment to my truth and create the space in my mind that there may be another version of reality which holds the same validity.

However, in creating the space for understanding, there is an opportunity for healing, for connection, and for bridging the gap.

I truly believe that every human being wants to give love, be loved, and feel connected. We all want the same thing.

And there are barriers to our expression - Inherited realities; misfortunes that left has battered and bruised; or a sense of loneliness that we just can't seem to overcome. We all have a set of beliefs that can empower or hinder us in our choices and actions.

The conversation was humbling. Just when I thought maybe I'm getting the hang of this "wholehearted" living; it reminded me that it is a journey. I'm still learning. 

In order to master what it takes to live a wholehearted life, one must be willing to confront all that conflicts with our heart, all that dampens our spirit, and all that weakens our soul.

Tuesday
Apr182017

Day 294: Daring to discover the lesson

"Your life is your biggest teacher. Everything is a teaching moment and is an opportunity to take you home to yourself." - These were the words shared by Oprah on an interview.

I had a conversation with someone that I held in high regard and respected. In the conversation, the person shared their disapproval and contempt around my parenting choices. They had an opinion that I was a bad parent and I didn't have Avery's best interest at heart.

It was hard listening to the words that were spoken. The venomous energy permeated the air around me.

I believe this interaction was an opportunity for me to understand what it takes to be wholehearted.

In the Asian culture, it is instilled within you to never talk back - children are not allowed to have an opinion. At 35, this programming still impacts me - I feel like a child when I'm around another person who shares my parent's age or older. 

The harshness of the words were borne from a place of loneliness, resentment, and emptiness. You can only give what you have - and if you don't have love within you, you can't give love.

Despite, knowing that whatever the person was projecting onto me was their own reality, their words still cut deep. My heart was shaken.

I had a choice - to listen to their truth; or stand in my truth.

I roared back, standing in my truth. It took everything to "talk back". 

"What is this event teaching me?".

For the first time, I truly felt the significance of being wholehearted - and what happens when you're not.

It uncovered an opportunity for healing that I didn't know I needed.... And, it was a lesson in courage - defying what I have been taught and standing up for what I believe in - me.

In the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, I learnt that, if you truly know who you are and know that you are unbounded and your true essence is love, nothing would disturb you.

This conversation disturbed my heart. The lesson, an opportunity to discover a new level of wholeness.

Monday
Apr102017

Day 293: Daring to outgrow my promises

I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 week ago, or even 1 hour ago.

As human beings, we are constantly changing, evolving, transforming, shifting. Our physical body is in constant transition.

Our beliefs change. Our values change. 

... and change is scary, for our minds crave certainty. It is scary because it is the unknown. Is is unfamiliar. 

Our brain and body are designed to be addicted to efficiency. Efficiency isn't necessarily correlated to nourishment or fulfillment. Change disrupts efficiency.

Efficiency in our physical form (mind and body) translates to thoughts and actions being on auto-pilot.

This is what our mind and body are designed to do.

It takes conscious effort to alter this auto-pilot behaviour.

Our spirit is unbounded. It is designed to grow, evolve, feel, experience, be unleashed, move, expand. 

In the journey of enquiring into wholehearted living, I'm understanding the importance of self-auditing, checking in with my heart, checking in with my mind, body, and spirit. 

When we are centred and in alignment to the true part of ourselves, Love, we transcend that which suffocates our experience of being whole.

Our mind and body can be efficient and our spirit dampened. This is an indication that we have outgrown the promises we created for ourselves. There is a condition of vulnerability that is present if we are to acknowledge that we have outgrown the promises we have created for ourselves.

It takes courage to let go of the promises that we've outgrown - and on the other side of this admission, a whole new field of possibilities and undiscovered terrain. 

It is scary knowing that we have outgrown our own promises. It is scarier keeping these promises that no longer serve us. 

Wednesday
Mar292017

Day 292: Daring to see greatness

I'm imagining the following scenarios.

Avery is 10 years old. He shares with me a desire to become a professional soccer player. He comes home from school one day and is upset - he didn't make the school soccer team. He wants to give up.

Avery is 19 years old. He has fallen in love. He is smitten and head over heals. His girlfriend doesn't feel the same way and breaks up with him. He tells me he feels unlovable, and not enough. 

Avery is 30 years old. He shares with me that he has always wanted to write a book. He wants to make a career out of writing. He has written a draft copy of a book that was sent to publishers - they all rejected his book. He tells me he feels defeated and a failure. 

How does a parent respond? 

When I look at Avery, as a parent, I see his greatness. I see his potential. I want him to know that he is worthy, that he is lovable, that he is enough. That failure of an outcome doesn't mean that he is a failure. 

It is easy as a parent to see the greatness and magnificence that lives within our child. 

In each of the above scenarios, I would hold his face, and tell him; "You are loved. You are enough. You have everything you need to create magic in this world. You are worthy."

What I'm learning from being a parent is that our children will only trust our words, if we trust our words for our own self. 

We can only see their greatness, if we see our own greatness. We can only empower them to be courageous, if we are courageous. We can inspire them to be vulnerable, if we ourselves, are inspired to be vulnerable. 

Greatness, begets greatness. 

Daring to see greatness - This is courage. This is wholehearted living. 

 

Monday
Mar062017

Day 291: Daring to see my own humanity in another

I will let other people down.

I will do things, say things, take actions that may cause upset, misunderstanding, and frustration - and I may not even know it. 

This is my humanity.

Other people will do things, say things, take actions where I will be upset, frustrated, and it was never their intention.

This is their humanity.

We are human beings.

We don't wake up every morning with the goal of being a jerk or hurting another. 

At our core, we are love. At our core, we are kind. 

... And although our heart may be covered in thick layers of disappointment, resentment, cynicism - the heart is there.

Our capacity to see another's humanity is dependant on how we embrace our own humanity. 

The extent of our kindness and willingness to be open to another has a direct relationship on the kindness and openness we give to ourselves.

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I had referred a friend's business to my family except the friend didn't follow through and take the appropriate course of action. This impacted my family and I reacted with frustration and anger. I called to find out what happened - the phone call ended badly.

This was the 2nd time that something happened where I felt that he had acted out of integrity and didn't follow through.

The next day, he requested to have a call to clear things up. I was in two minds. Ignore it and be righteous, or be generous and create the space to be open and willing.

It would have been easy to ignore it and be righteous - this would have been the coward choice.

I put myself in his shoes thinking it would have taken a lot of courage to request this phone call. 

I accepted his request. This phone call reminded me of our humanity. That we all make mistakes. In the moments of making mistakes, we can bring compassion, empathy, and be bold to make a stand and hold another accountable.

How do you bring kindness and empathy when you are upset and angry at another's action? How do you see their humanity, and hold them accountable?

Bring "generosity".

Be generous. Be generous with myself - allow myself to feel the anger. Be generous with the other - be willing to hear and listen to their side of the story .... It is possible to be generous, hold another accountable, and be responsible for my own reaction.

I believe if one is wholehearted, one is able to hold another accountable and do it with kindness. When one is wholehearted, one can reconcile the experience of anger or frustration and be open and generous.

When one is wholehearted, we are compassionate to the experience of being human. We know in every fiber or our being that we are all connected - and that at our core, we are love. 

We choose to see another's humanity for our own wellbeing. Not to be a good person or be the one that takes the higher road; we do it for ourselves. This is cultivating wholehearted living. 

Friday
Mar032017

Day 290: Daring to advance confidently 

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

Henry David Thoreau

What does it mean advance confidently?

In exploring the realm of being wholehearted, I am realising that "confidence" is an outcome of someone who is wholehearted.

Confidence is resolve. Confidence is a stand. Confidence is when one is unwavering, absolute, and still.

The stillness is calming, peaceful, and bold. 

When one embodies the vibration and energy of confidence, there is power.

One doesn't allow the experience of doubt to stain one's mind.

There are three habits that are in the way of me being a confident person;

- The habit of indecision (doubting my choices and desires)

- The habit of feeling inadequate (being overly apologetic)

- The habit of unhealthy attachments (being unable to let go of other people's emotions and caring too much about what other people think)

I haven't advanced confidently in the direction of my dreams - I have been attempting to advance confidently. 

No matter how much you do or the actions you take, what matters most is the energy in which these actions are borne from.

I am learning that I have been timid to advance confidently towards my dreams.

In the journey of learning to Dare Greatly - getting myself out of the way has been a consistent lesson.

Wednesday
Mar012017

Day 289: Daring to confront the envy

Envy is an emotion that brings up shame.

It can lead one down the rabbit hole of experiencing inadequacy, doubt, and anxiety.

I'm uncomfortable with myself when I feel envy; and it is an emotion that I regard as "weak".

The thing with emotions is that they are harmless. 

Emotions are energy. Energy needs to move through and flow. 

The narrative that we create about the emotion is what binds us and limits us. This is where emotions can get trapped and if the narrative is on repeat, the same reality shows up. 

There is a quote that I love; “A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it, it just blooms.” 

When I feel envious, I remind myself of this quote. At times, the quote can equalise the emotion, other times, I can feel the physical reactions produced from the emotion of envy. Shallow breathing, tense muscles, and a locked jaw.

The key to emotions that produce a negative response within us is to surrender, allow, and accept it for what it is. This is easier said than done.

When envy arises within me, I judge myself. I consider it a bad emotion. I "should" know better than to feel envious. 

I have an experience of feeling inadequate when envy shows up. 

Today, I started getting curious and wanting to understand the sub-conscious belief under envy. What is it about envy that makes me react? What is it about envy that causes discomfort?

A particular conversation was shared in the past week and I noticed myself getting envious. 

I questioned my choices. I doubted my path. Comparison kicks in. 

Should I be where they are at? Did I make the wrong choices in life? Did I do life wrong? Why does it feel like I am consistently making mistakes? Is there something that they are doing that I should be doing?! Why do I feel like I'm 'behind' in life? 

The sub-conscious belief that has been hidden under this experience of envy, is "I make mistakes - I make wrong choices - I can't trust myself".

When you shine a light on what has been hidden in the shadows of your mind, the shadow no longer follows you. You are now aware of what it is, where it is, and you have an opportunity to create a new narrative and a new belief. 

It feels raw to confront hidden beliefs that limit us from feeling whole. 

When we are wholehearted, we trust ourselves even when we make mistakes. When we are wholehearted we believe in ourselves even when we make choices that don't have the outcome that we are expecting. Choices are learning experiences, a wholehearted human being doesn't judge their choice.

I am realising there is a strong correlation between living courageously and feeling wholehearted.

It is our duty to question beliefs that are in opposition to our experience of being wholehearted. One can only live a life daring greatly and courageously when one believes in one's wholeness. 

Thursday
Feb232017

Day 288: Daring to be brave

What does it take to be brave with one's life? Who do I have to be, to be brave in my life?

I believe the access to being brave with one's life is knowing that we are wholehearted. 

When we are wholehearted, we are free from judgement, full of compassion, filled with delight, overflowing with optimism.

We are connected to the beauty of the universe and have an inner knowing that all is transient, all is impermanent. We have the audacity to be life's best friend and just like the sun, we rise and we show-up. 

When we are free from judgement, we are free from our own judgement. We may have judgement and opinions however we release ourselves from the grip of the judgement and opinion. We are curious, we dig deep, we enquire on why we have the judgements and opinions; and we untangle ourselves free.

We have the opportunity to be brave in every moment. The mastery of bravery is exercised through our daily choices.

Choosing gratitude.

Choosing patience.

Choosing compassion.

Choosing joy.

Choosing inspiration.

Choosing empathy.

Choosing our thoughts.

These choices build on our experience of being wholehearted or they chip away at our experience of being wholehearted.

When we are wholehearted for ourselves, we dare to be brave with our life. 

I have been asking myself "If anything is possible, what is it that I truly want to do right now?".

I've been dancing around the question for months yet always knowing what it is that I truly wanted. 

I've been timid about how I want my life to unfold - for fear of disappointment and failure.

I decided it was time to let go of being timid and be brave. 

Daring greatly is daring to be brave.

Monday
Feb202017

Day 287: Daring to choose love

Nothing highlights a couple's insecurities, fears, and differences like having a baby.

I believe our children are our teachers. They present to us the lessons that are needed to grow and connect to our true self - our higher self.

They present to us the opportunity to learn what it takes to live from love. To choose love. No matter what.

Our higher self is that part within us that flows. The part that is filled with grace. It is the self that only knows love - and only sees love. 

When circumstances are great, tapping into our higher self is filled with delight.

When circumstances aren't so great, tapping into the higher self takes courage. Nothing in my being wants to relinquish the control and surrender - My flight and fight mode is engaged.

John and I had a disagreement on a particular circumstance with Avery.

Before Avery was born, I promised him that I would give him the space to be the father that he wants to be and have fatherhood be his own expression.

Lately, this has proved challenging. I notice how I want him to do things "my" way. I have been judgmental and dominating. I broke my promise.

Having Avery in our lives has highlighted the differences in our thinking and how this can cause conflict. Prior to Avery, we embraced and celebrated our differences. Currently, the impact of the differences causes a disconnection. We feel challenged and confronted. We both feel unseen, unheard, and therefore, unloved. 

We defend and justify our point of view rather than listening from love. 

Yesterday we had a disagreement - for the first time, we couldn't resolve it. We couldn't meet in the middle. We weren't listening to each other and it was upsetting as it was confronting. 

I have been hardwired to retreat and build a wall when I feel confronted.

It is a passive form of domination. An aggressive, passive form of domination.

A pattern that I thought I had conquered.

A familiar yet distant feeling, and I know the destruction it can cause. This was the first time in our relationship that I went to this space. A space that I promised myself that I would never go to with John. I was disappointed in myself. It was drinking the poison wanting the other person to die. 

John would attempt to reach out and connect, I dominated by not responding. The hold of domination is intoxicating - yet I know I'm hurting myself.

He tried to reach out again.

The ego part of my being wanted to continue to dominate.

I looked up at our vision board for this year. Right in the middle in large bold black letters is the word "LOVE".

I needed clarity. I needed to shake myself out of this mode. I asked myself, "What would love do?". 

Love would be for me to respond. Love would say "sorry". Love would reach out and connect. Love would know that we are both doing the best we can with what we know. Love would be understanding and compassionate. 

Love would allow me to see the wholeness of the circumstance and find a way to connect.

My mind wanted to soak in the safety of domination and fear; my heart wanted to be guided by Love. I stood up, went to John, apologised.

I chose Love.

The wholehearted are guided by Love. I am learning.

Wednesday
Feb152017

Day 286: Daring to let go 

I believe there is a part within all of us that calls for our greatness.

It is the part in our hearts and being that inspires us to expand. When we are tuned into this part of our being, we dream the big dreams, our imagination is exercised, and the vibrations of possibility run through our body.

This is who we truly are. Beacons of possibility. 

We were born with this insatiable desire to explore, be adventurers, be unstoppable, have this world be our playground for our imagination, and to believe that anything is possible.

"What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve" - Napolean Hill.

The quote has a new meaning to me.

I am currently re-reading Wishes Fulfilled authored by the late Dr Wayne Dyer; one whom I consider a mentor. 

I am on a chapter that shares an idea about our own self-concept. Our own self-concept; our self-concept about our physical abilities and our inner beliefs have bought us to where we are right in this moment.

We are bounded by our own limiting beliefs and truths that we have created. 

In order to be attuned and aligned to the part of us that calls for our greatness, we have to be willing and open to letting go.

Letting go of our own beliefs. Letting go of our own truths. Letting go of the stories that we have created and played out.

Letting go of our past. Letting go of what we think we are capable or not capable of. 

Letting go of these truths is scary as they have been the parameters in which we have operated as habit. They have kept us feeling "safe" and removed "unpredictability". Irrespective of whether reality is what we want or not; or whether the outcomes are in our favour or not, our minds role is to keep us safe and within our own habits.

When we dare to have inspiring thoughts and imagine the kind of life that would nourish us, the next step is to believe that this is possible. This takes courage.

In order to believe what we have imagined, we have to be willing to shatter the our own story of our created self-concept. 

We have to be willing to dig deep, discover the created 'truths' that we have imposed on our souls, and create a space within our hearts to have faith in that part of us that is connected to expanding and hungry for 'living'. Not existing, 'living'.

I am excited to challenge and let-go of my existing self-concept. 

To dare greatly, is to peel the layers that are barriers to living wholeheartedly. 

Wednesday
Jan182017

Day 285: Daring to be curious

We are in Luang Prabang - We are staying in a glorious hotel with a view of the mountains and the town.

Our room has a private terrace that overlooks the mountain range. Throughout the day I can hear the birds chirping, experience the butterflies dancing, and the gentle kiss of mother nature's breathe throughout our room.

It is divine. It is bliss.

I'm sitting on our day bed in our room, looking out at the majestic blue sky and the glow of the sun - This was where I chose to meditate. The setting was majestic. 

It is one of those scenes that creates a song in your heart and your soul is nourished. It is a feeling of "home". A place of safety, comfort, and love.

Earlier this morning I was annoyed with a certain circumstance with family from back home. I felt tense. My being was consumed with righteousness and judgement. I could feel the physical sensations of the muscles contracting, my breathing was shallow and heavy, and my energy was stagnant. I was in "fight" mode. 

I closed my eyes and started meditating. The strained feelings and my subjective opinions about what happened this morning kept gliding through my mind. The thoughts would go in and out. I was observing my breathing, observing these thoughts. The majestic setting that I was so grateful to be witnessing was not in my consciousness. For 25 minutes, my consciousness was swaying between mindful breathing and mindless thoughts on being righteous and judgmental. The latter was dominant.

My mind kept replaying the scenario, then I would catch myself and go back to breathe. Then the thoughts would make their way back to the forefront of my mind... They would play for a while then I catch myself and go back to breathe.

As I heard the bell chime to signal the end of the meditation, I opened my eyes to the serene and blissful setting. 

The irony I thought. This was a clear demonstration and example of not being present. 

I took a deep breathe and a calmness swept over me. 

I remembered one of the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz - "Don't take things personal". Nothing people say or do is because of you - they are living in their own reality. It is never personal and it is their truth.

I started getting curious about the other person's point of view. How they were feeling. What life would have been like for them. What the experience of the circumstance may have been. I did the best I could to empathise with their reality.

The curiosity dissolved the hold on my being caused by my own experience of righteousness and judgement. 

When righteousness and judgement kicks in, we are no longer whole. Wholeness is love. Wholeness is understanding. Wholeness is compassion. In wholeness, there is unity and connection.

Righteousness and judgement disconnects. It separates our mind and our heart. The fight mode within us kicks in. 

Curiosity allows us to rekindle that connection - to see the humanity that is in all of us. To be curious is to be open. To be curious creates a space of new understanding and new insights. Curiosity expands our hearts.

Curiosity requires us to let go of our existing beliefs - this liberates us from the chains of our closed minds. 

The endeavour to be curious allowed me to experience wholeness again. No longer needing to be right and making the other person wrong, or needing validation that my feelings of righteousness and judgement were warranted.

I could sit in the space of "what is" and accept the circumstance with peace and compassion. For both of us.

Saturday
Jan072017

Day 284: Daring to choose innocence

It's 2017. I love new beginnings. Whether it's a new day, a new moon, a new year - new beginnings brings a realm of hope and opportunity. The opportunity for one to transcend our own beliefs. 

Being a mum to Avery has given me the opportunity to place more awareness on beliefs that no longer serve me - especially the unconscious ones. 

A few days ago, I was in conversation with a friend about what it is like to travel with an 8 month old baby.

In this conversation, my friend asked how it has been for us?.

My sentiment was it has been very different however I love sharing this experience with Avery. Instead of a travel experience with just John and I; our travel adventures are now shared amongst 3 human beings.

My friend laughed and responded with;  "Call me jaded however it's just not the same is it?! You can't enjoy it as much".

-----

For the last few days, I've been thinking about how we become "jaded".

To become jaded is to loose the innocence in which we see the world. In loosing this innocence, we also loose wonderment, curiosity, and the ability to welcome the world around us with open arms and an open heart.

The impact of this is the lack of empathy, understanding, and kindness. The biggest impact however is on us. When we lack empathy, understanding, and kindness, we also loose connection, the experience of joy, and the experience of love.

I started thinking; "Have I become jaded?"

Are there beliefs within my sub-conscious which hinder the gentleness and innocence that is part of our authentic self? Where am I jaded in my own life? What beliefs am I not willing to pass onto Avery? - Children learn from what you do, act, and the choices you make - not from what you say.

There is no right or wrong in the thoughts that you choose to think or believe.

Your thoughts can empower you or disempower you. Your thoughts have the ability to allow you to expand your heart or contract your connection with others. Your thoughts can breathe life through you or they can kill you slowly with fear, worry, and guilt. 

And we have a choice. We can choose our thoughts.

I thought of Avery - full of innocence, living in the moment, free of inhibitions; how would it impact him if his mother was "jaded"?.

Sure there needs to be an internal filter in our tool set of emotions to protect us from dire circumstances and harm from others - however that need not be the default.

What if the default was to be open, to be filled with curiousity, to be innocent?

To give others the benefit of the doubt, to see the world with wide eye wonder, and to believe in goodness - This default may make us vulnerable and it is where the courageous and wholehearted are to be found.

I'll gladly meet Avery there.